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So, there is this BULLY on the bus...


...that clearly needs to be stopped
Put yourself in my shoes, what would you do?

My two oldest are in middle school and ride the neighborhood bus. For 3 weeks now, they have been coming home complaining about the new kid, the bully, who gives everyone a hard time and doesn't let up. Even the bus driver has insisted he stop and he continues to yell profanity and threaten other students. He did get a one day bus suspension - but was back on the bus with a vengeance the very next day.

The first few weeks we talked about how he is likely just looking to get attention and although it is likely not the attention he wants, he is indeed, getting attention. We talked about being compassionate and friendly with him. We talked about completely ignoring him.

Then, last week, my tweens came home stating that his harassing behavior bumped up a notch and was targeted directly at my daughter. Now the bully is making announcements that he and my 12 year old daughter have been sexually active together - giving graphic examples, at that.

Enough is enough.

Their dad and I, although divorced, have a strong line of communication between us. We also live in the same neighborhood and so we share the same pulse when it comes to bus situations or neighborhood safety.

We decide it is time to speak with the parents and let them know what is going on and demand that it stop or we would involve the school and police, if necessary.

We knock on the door and the dad answers and invites us in. He and his wife openly listen as we explain what has been going on and what our course of action will be if it continues.

They apologize and then share some personal information that indicates that this isn't the first time and not likely to be the last. They support our right, as parents, to involve the school and police if his behavior continues.

The dad escorts the bully into the room so that we can speak to him directly.

We leave their house feeling confident that they understand our level of concern and that we are serious about our next step. We are hopeful that this is the end of the bully on the bus.

This was a Sunday night.

Monday goes by and the kids say that he is a little bit more subdued and not saying anything directly to my daughter. He has, however, shared with other kids that"their" parents got him in trouble. No big deal, kids will be kids. There are worse things in life than the bully thinking we are narks.

Tuesday afternoon comes and my youngest son and I are anxiously waiting their arrival home from school. As usual, we watch through the window as the bus unloads. I notice that today, the bully gets off at our stop. This is unusual because he has two more stops before he is near his home in the neighborhood.

I watch as my tweens cross the street and he is definitely not interested in them; so, I wait till they get in the house to ask what's going on.

The bully has announced to everyone that he is going to stalk a neighbor girl and follow her home.

Not on my watch.

I grab my shoes and cell phone and take off after them.

By the time I get around the corner the bully is a several feet ahead of our neighbor girl and the two friends that are escorting her home.

I whiz past the group of kids and call to the bully by name.

He turns around and looks at me - immediately shouting, "What did I do?", "I didn't do anything!"

I told him that I didn't say that he did anything, I just want a moment to talk with him.

He keeps yelling "What did I do?" as I walk closer to him.

I tell him again, that I want to talk to him and he says, "I don't have to talk to you", as he walks away from me.

"It's your choice, you can talk to me now, or you will see me tonight when I come to your home with Mr. Douglas and a police officer."

He is unmotivated by my threat. He continues on his long walk home.

The neighbor kids tell me that he has done this a few times before and when it isn't my daughter that he is harassing, it is this other girl. They have never let the bully know which home she lives in because they walk around the neighborhood until they lose him. She is clearly frightened and fed up; but, also not really sure if it is supposed to feel like a big deal or not.

My kids are the same way - there is a part of them that is concerned and then another part that seems resigned to the fact that this is just the way things are going to be from now on.

Did I encourage this submissive and uncertain attitude during the first few weeks of his arrival?

Do I somehow demonstrate or suggest in my daily life that it is ok to be bullied or sexually harassed?

I call the school and speak candidly with the asst. principal. He reassures me that they are already aware of the ongoing issues with the bus bully; he continues during school hours; and, they are just a day or two away from having the situation taken care of.

I used to be an asst. principal in this same school district so I know the system and trust that they are on it.

About 30 minutes after I hang up with the school. The dad calls me. We had left our phone numbers with them, the day Mr. Douglas and I visited their home. He asks what time I will be there so that he can have the bully ready to go the police station.

What?

I tell him I have several things I have to attend to first and that I planned to wait until Mr. Douglas gets home so that we can come over together. I also need time to contact the police and see if they can send someone out to take a report.

He tells me that his son is ready to go now.

I am a bit confused as to why he is so anxious but I assure him that he doesn't need me to take HIS SON to the police. He can certainly take care of this situation without me.

He agrees and tells me that he will take him to the police station right away. I let him know that he or the police can contact me for a report or questions and to let me know if anything else is needed.

I don't hear from the dad or the police.

The bully is on the bus the next day - at least in the morning. Again, he doesn't say anything directly to my kids but they over hear him saying that I am a b---- and that I didn't follow through with my threat to come over and involve the police.

Again, so what. A 13 year old that doesn't like me. Boo hoo.

It has been a week since this all went down and the bully is off the bus - for good. It likely won't be long before he is expelled from this school as well.

Lessons learned:

I am so grateful that my children are emotionally and socially healthy individuals.
I am proud that we didn't let this go unattended. Soon-to-be teenagers need to know that there are consequences for indecent behavior and threats.
I am puzzled by the dad's reaction to the second situation; but, perhaps it is not for me to understand.
I have compassion for this boy, that I have labeled a "bully". I can only imagine the challenges that he has had up until now and those he will have ahead.
I am a neighborhood watch dog and you don't want to mess with me.

What other lessons do you see?

How would you have handled the situation?

Have you been in a similar position - what did you do?

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